


Not like the voidfish

by Dareandwriteit



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Julia/Magnus is mentioned but not big enough to be tagged, Spoilers for The Suffering Game, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 08:58:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11597334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dareandwriteit/pseuds/Dareandwriteit
Summary: Magnus has lost a memory, and he wants to get it back. Even if that means talking about stuff he wishes he could forget.





	Not like the voidfish

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [things we lost in the fire](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10768659) by [AtlantisRises](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtlantisRises/pseuds/AtlantisRises). 



“It’s not like the voidfish. It’s… it’s worse. Almost like it hurts? But in a way that… doesn’t?” Ugh. Words were never Magnus’ strong point. And talking about what you’ve forgotten? It doesn’t make it any easier.

“When does it do that?” 

Magnus put his hands together, and gripped them tight. The pressure was reassuring, tracing the scars and callouses that were grounded in solid memory. A callous in his palm from hefting Railsplitter. A scar along the inside of the index from slipping while carving an ox. The impression of a wedding ring.

“Ravens Roost. It’s when I think about that.”

“Anything specific in Ravens Roost?”

Magnus wanted to nod, to give a certain yes. But he couldn’t. It hurt to think about, just as it had done for years on end. But it didn’t all hurt the hurt the same. It wasn’t all _gone_. He found himself rolling an answer around in his mouth but mumbled something vague.

“What if you talk about it?”

Magnus gripped his hand tighter. He didn’t have to talk about it. But that was why he was here. He wanted to try, at least. Railsplitter. Ox. Wedding ring.

“I… I don’t know where…”

“Start with something easy. Tell me about the place. Where is it?”

“It’s uh… It’s up high. Top of all these rock spires, with these old bridges between them. It’s not as big, or fancy as some of those other towns. But everyone knows each other in the corridors. Everyone in the craftsman corridors shared meals, or worked on stuff together. And we got together with the other corridors after the revolution. The, uh-” Magnus ran a hand through his hair, trying to ignore the gnawing numbness that bloomed behind his eyes.

“You lead the revolution, correct?”

“Yeah. In name, sure. Julia did all the thinking, and I was leading a lot of good, loyal people. ‘S not as impressive as it sounds.”

“And who was Julia?”

“I…” Magnus felt like he was choking on his own tongue. It sucked, it sucked so much and he didn’t want to talk about it. But this pain was not the one that he was trying to avoid. Julia caused a pain that had been there so long he’d almost assumed it was part of his being in the same way his skin was. “She was killed-”

“No, Magnus. Not how she died. Who was Julia?”

Magnus let out a nervous laugh, and squeezed his hand again. Railsplitter. Ox. Wedding ring. 

“My wife.”

“I didn’t know you were married, I’m very happy for you.”

“It wasn’t for very long.” Magnus said, avoiding eye contact.

“How was the wedding?”

“Lovely. Really… just great. Just the best. I cried a lot, and she made fun of me for that. Said I was cursed with full eyes, and how it was lucky she didn’t mind wet kisses too much.” Magnus felt a flicker of a smile pass across his face. “She, uh, helped me sign the wedding register. I wasn’t big on writing, and I was worried my writing was too big and ugly for the book or whatever? And then she wrote her name even bigger and uglier - which was strange because she had pretty handwriting - because she wanted to match.”

“She sounds wonderful.”

“She was.” Magnus’ smile faded.

“What things did she like?”

“Oh, all sorts. She read a lot. She loved dogs. She helped out around Steven’s shop. She liked fast dance music even though she had no sense of rhythm. Her favourite date was us going and catching fireflies, letting them go up on the roof of the Hammer and Tongs. She used to like seeing the lights blend in with the stars.”

“I see. And how did the revolution come into it?”

Magnus took a deep breath in, and exhaled slowly. He began to wrestle with his hand again, not knowing how to find the words. Railsplitter. Ox. Wedding ring. 

“Magnus?”

“It was… It was, uh, that things were bad. The town had a lot of problems, stuff that hadn’t used to be wrong. Guards were around a lot. People paid so much in taxes they didn’t have enough to eat. It was killing people, honest to Pan, people starving to death in their own beds. The elderly, kids, the disabled: people it was our duty to protect needed help. It was fucking awful.” Magnus clenched his fist, feeling that familiar rage of several years back flood back to him. It was made worse by the creeping absence bleeding into these feelings, a nothingness which warped his memory. He slammed his fist onto his thigh, and gritted his teeth hard.

“Try to stay calm, Magnus. Take some deep breaths before continuing.”

Magnus did so, drawing the air in through his nose. He concentrated on his hand again. Railsplitter, ox, wedding ring, railsplitter, ox, wedding ring, railsplitter, ox, wedding ring. 

“I’m sorry.” Magnus said.

“It’s completely fine Magnus. I understand.”

“No, I shouldn’t-”

“I’m here to help you. If you feel the need to lash out, so long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, I’d encourage it.”

“Thanks.” Magnus said sheepishly. He stroked over his hand, less frantic now. Railsplitter. Ox. Wedding ring.

“Tell me about the revolution. How did you win?”

“It took a lot of organising. If we hadn’t got the lay of the land, we wouldn’t have stood a chance. Our words took out most the guards: the local ones, anyway. They didn’t want to go against family. The ones that were left still took a big bite out of us. A lot of people died, I wish… I wish we could’ve done better.”

“But you succeeded?”

“Yes. We won. We went right up to the gates, and walked through the manor. We couldn’t find them. We were worried they’d escaped, but our troops had got the whole city under lockdown. They were hiding in a broom closet, right at the back of the kitchens.”

“Magnus?”

“Hmm?”

“Couldn’t find who?”

“It was- It was…” Magnus slowly developed a frown. Who? There was a person there, there was a reason all this happened. He’d found someone in the broom closet, broken someone’s nose, felt someone’s blood run down his knuckles. The revolution had been against someone, a person whose name Magnus must have said and heard a thousand times. There was an all encompassing numbness as he tried to find a name, a single feature, from this moment. What colour was their hair? What did their voice sound like?

_Who was that?_

“Magnus?”

Magnus bent forward in his chair, clutching at his middle in the hope it would do something to the burning nothingness he felt. He wrapped his arms around so tight it began to hurt, but not enough to distract from the face he couldn’t recall. He rocked back and forth, his very bones shaking from stress and fear. Who was it? What was the name?

“Magnus.”

The more Magnus thought, the worse the pain got. It was as though nothing would smother it, and he wished that it was Julia’s arms around him instead of his own. And something about thinking of Julia made the burning gap where the memory should have been even sharper, even hotter. It felt as though he had swallowed white hot coals from a forge, and they were searing a hole in his stomach and smothering his brain with acrid smoke. He gasped in pain, and shook in place.

“Magnus! Please, think about something else!”

He knew it made sense. He knew it was trying to recall whatever this was that was causing him pain. But it was his _life_. He was entitled to know it. He had to. Memories were all he managed to take from Ravens Roost.

They were his, and he was going to take them back, no matter how much it hurt.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this way back when Magnus first gave up Kalen in Wonderland, and have only now finished it.
> 
> I like to think Kalen is entirely gone from Magnus' memory, since it takes away the victory he had in the first place as well as his revenge.
> 
> I feel like this therapy is something he takes up after Story and Song, having become protective of his memories.
> 
> Comments are very welcome!


End file.
